Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The War on Singletons

If I didn't know the whole Jesus backstory to Christmas, I'd swear it was created for the sole purpose to make single people feel like crap. Judging by the number of jewelry commercials on TV, if I don't get a diamond pendant necklace from some rugged man wearing a cashmere sweater I'll be compelled to put my head in the oven or, at the very least, be forced to whisper disgustedly to someone "He didn't go to JARED!"

This surfiet 'war on singletons' is brought to you today by: the office Christmas party. Apparently, at my company, it's 'family friendly' - meaning that spouses, significant others, partners, children and other hanger's on are welcome to attend, eat, drink and be merry. And it's tonight. But my question is this: What if you don't have any hanger's on? What if you just started and don't know anyone?

What if you're in the middle of reading a good book and, after a hard day of work, would like to relax at home in front of the fire?

And, although I know this is my comment every year, I am on a rampage right now and I just need to reiterate it one more time: it really stinks that I have to buy two Christmas presents for my married family members while collectively they only have to buy me one present. They live in a two income household!

Bah, humbug.

Furthermore - for all of you men who are thinking of going to JARED, why don't you take your greedy little wives to see the movie Blood Diamond instead? That ought to cure her.

M is for Only Married People are Allowed to Celebrate Christmas;
M.

8 comments:

nate-nate-bo-bate said...

It's times like this that I'm thankful that I found a woman who could give two shits about jewelry. We both sit at home and laugh at those Jared commericals.
Be thankful for what and who you have. If some people need a little shiny rock to make them feel special, let them have their sad little existence.
Just sit back with your book in front of the fire and imagine how shitty their everyday relations with their signifigant other must be that they only feel good when he buys them something expensive.

Megan said...

Hey, if that pressure exists for single people, keep in mind it might actually exist for married people, too. They look at those ads and say, "Damn... I have to do that now that I'm married? That wasn't in the manual..."

Look, the holidays mean pressure, guilt, awkwardness and anxiety whether you're single, married, young, old, or whatever. That's what holidays do. What makes the difference is how we deal with them. I, for instance, will cope with my first shared holiday by being so swamped as to not enjoy any of it. Hooray!

Sarah said...

On the other hand, married people have to attend twice as many forced familial holiday celebrations. That's twice as many perplexed stares when trying to explain anything about one's life. Oh, yeah, and for some reason, there are expectations of child production from the marrieds.

Mtanga said...

Oh, boo-friggin-hoo, Sarah. You got yourself into that mess, so you might as well pony up and squirt out a kid while you're at it. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU. :)

As for the 'married people manual' there are PLENTY of those around. Just let the commercials guide your way. There's good reason why they don't show an obese woman with a moustache and french fries stuck to her blouse buying herself a nice diamond solitaire:
Singleness DOESN'T SELL this time of year.

nate-nate-bo-bate said...

Uter-you?

THAT made my day. Wow.

Mtanga said...

I wish I could claim that one - it's of course, from the Simpsons :)

Megan said...

Let's just call a spade a spade: the holidays do indeed suck. There's familial pressure whether married or single, there's gift-guilt no matter who you're supposed to be giving to, and odd are you'll end up under rested with crappy gifts to return at the end.

Festivus is looking more and more attractive... who's up for an airing of grievances?

emira said...

This is exactly why I love being an atheist who couldn't give rats ass about the holidays, well except for the parties. I don't get presents and I don't give them.

I think that Birthdays are the best time to express how much you care about someone. That way it's only one present for the person, it doesn't matter if you're part of the couple. I spend every christmas season shopping for myself cause I am the one who deserves it. And I the one who knows what I like. I love being single, I love that I didn't grow up thinking Christmas was important, and most importantly I love shopping for myself.

So happy freaking holidays.
Peace!