Anxiousness

(I wrote this last week - and while it doesn't reflect my mood today, it's truthful and an honest interpretation of the human condition, so I'm posting it. Enjoy.)


This is why we dont' have nice things - we students - so we can up and leave them without a thought, without a drip of guilt or pang of anxiety that they will go uncared for.

I am full of anxiety recently. I wake up in the deep night - between one and four am - as if a light switch has been turned on inside of me. I am awake with the knowledge that I am not sleeping, yet I don't really stir. I toss, maybe plod to the bathroom. To the untrained eye, I am just sleepwalking.

But my mind is on speed.

It's not that they descend, really, these anxieties. I was going to write that it's at this time the worries descend upon me. But they don't really invade. They've already invaded - years ago- nested, roosted, bred and otherwise infested. I never used to be like this, but now I am. I am occupied, like a land at war, with worry.

It's only at this time of night when I can't suppress them anymore, and so they venture out, to conquer more space.

I rock with agony anywhere from five minutes to an hour. My mind focuses on foolish-by-daylight terrors. Each house creak is a murderer, my open window a rapist invitation, there are bugs crawling on me, I have breast cancer, I should've stayed another year in Japan, David Hasselhof is remotely attractive to me. My daytime, grown-up worry - MONEY- has little relavence in this fantasia.

It seems only to be soothed when my Handsome Man Friend is next to me. His warmth placates me, brings me back to earth. Even though I do not wake him to share my ridiculous insomnia (indeed I often sleep soundly when he is around), it's enough to know that he is there (to fight the rapists, murderers, home invaders and creepy crawly's).

I know this is a phase. I know that I'm going through great transition and my mind - though preoccupied during the day - is processing all that is happening at night. My insomnia is nothing more than a harmless byproduct - methane gas.

I'm axious about my stuff, my house not being neat and cozy when I return from Africa, not having enough money to get through the summer, not finding a job when I return. Mostly, right now though, it's the house - which is dumb. It's just a house and if it's dirty when I come home, well, I can always clean it.