How long does it take for a place to feel like home?
I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. As it turns out,
carving a life somewhere takes time and constant effort. This may not come as a profound thought to
most, but for me – the inveterate extrovert – I’ve always been able to set up a
fun community with lots of activities fairly quickly. While this is a component
of settling in, I’m always surprised at how hard it is to get that feeling of
True Home. For me, I think this takes
about a year, or as one friend put it “Until you come back from a trip and the
airport doesn’t feel weird.”
These things shift, of course. They go in waves. Turns out,
culture shock doesn’t just apply when you’re moving from Minneapolis to Malawi,
but also Saint Paul to Saint Louis Park (just across the river). The classic culture shock “wave” has five
parts. First there’s the Honeymoon stage (yay! I’m finally here!), then the dip
(Oh dear, what did I get myself into?), the Initial Adjustment (Ok, this isn’t
so bad), the Jaded Comparison/Isolation Period (Things would never be like this
where I’m from, Everything Here is Stupid) and finally Acceptance (This is my
life now!).
It’s not rocket science, but I didn’t factor in two things:
1) the distorting effect of Facebook;
2) the cycle never really ends;
There are many reasons to dislike Facebook, not the least of
which I’ve discovered is the FOMO effect (Fear Of Missing Out). Being able to
see what your friends and family are doing, how much fun they’re having in all
your old haunts doesn’t help with homesickness. In fact, I think it is actually
detrimental to your new life (unless you start copiously adding new friends and
begin your own rampant posts…neither are really my style.) Being on Facebook means
I can get a quick fix of home any time I want, which is fun (atleast I'm up to date) but sometimes leaves me feeling lonelier more
often than is really true, even when I’m having a good time myself. (I say this
knowing I’m going to post this article on Facebook…). It leaves me wondering if
the culture shock “wave” shouldn’t be updated to include mini waves whenever
you log in.
Which brings me to my last point: the “wave” is misleading.
It’s not one wave over the course of a year or six months or however long it
takes you to feel Acceptance. It’s many little waves, sometimes all in the same
day (and sometimes in the minute or two you’re looking at Facebook). Instead of
length, I think we should talk about frequency, intensity. You may reach
the Acceptance phase, but even within it, there are moments where you want to
go back to your previous life. There are even moments where you can still feel
isolated. I believe that this adjustment never really ends, it only shallows
out.
Given the constant rotation of expatriates on two- three- or
four year contracts, the feeling of permanent settlement in Malawi remains
elusive. I’ve been here 10 months now, and many of my first round friends are
moving on (meaning, I’m going to have to start networking for Saturday night
plans again). However, I can tell that the culture shock wave has mellowed
somewhat and I’ve come to a sink a little deeper into
this life.
The secret, I’ve come to realize, is to hang on when those
waves come. Keep busy, keep going. I know I’m making progress because I
recently returned from another trip abroad, and arrived back not with
trepidation, but curiosity. The airport no longer gave rise to anxiety and
anticipation (helped out by the fact that I now have my Temporary Employment
permit). Malawi has tipped the scales. It is now more familiar than foreign,
more friendly that foe, more homey that homely.
It's about time!
